If none of this is real, then it would reason that I could do whatever I wanted. I tested this theory only to be confronted with some "pretty big" unwanted consequences. So, it's not real, but it sure does act like it is real. I had more questions than ever. As faith would have it, my mom got sick at this time, and refused to have the heart surgery that would likely save her life. The next 8 months were as real as anything could be. If you want to read about my mom's departure, you can read it here. It was a very strange time; I was "forced" to function wholeheartedly in a reality that I no longer knew as real. The dichotomy was absurd. Every day I fought with a deep depression that threatened to swallow me up. I kept it silent. This was nothing new. I suffered from this thing called depression before, but had overcome it... at least until this time period. It was back with a vengeance, and made worse by not seeing the point or purpose of life.
If it's not real and I am making it all up and projecting it outward, what is the point? There can be no purpose in an illusion. This is why I say awakening is not for the faint of heart. It takes everything found in the wizard of oz; the courage of a scare crow, the brains of a tin man, the heart of a lion and the desire to Go Home more than anything else, except those ruby red shoes are made with the blood of ego annihilation. Every morning I would wake up to the reality of the illusion, and think, " What's the purpose?" Without purpose or point, depression won out. Yet, I kept going, as the single parent of teen boys, a business owner, a life coach, the daughter of a dying mother. How could it mean so much and nothing at all - at the same time? The mind is an interesting place to live. The hardest part is that there was no one to talk to. I actually thought about going to see a therapist just to talk privately, but I knew I would sound crazy. I was crazy. I was completely insane. And there was no escape. There was no one to talk to. For years, I had researched this thing called awakening and found many people and stories in books and on the internet of awakening, but now I could see that many of those self proclaimed awakened beings were not really awake at all. They were just experiencing another facet of the illusion that created the self deception of being awake. I could see though it all so clearly now, but what good did it do me?
When you awake, you realize that you are all alone - and there is no going back.
That first year was pretty rough and I am sure perfectly designed that way. For some one who knew they were experiencing a virtual reality, I sure was on a roller coaster ride of emotions; little of that being the joy, bliss and peace that I desperately anticipated; so I was still waiting for this "thing" to happen. I was still waiting to wake up. I was awake - I just didn't like it. Did I want to go back to sleep? No, not at all. I believed that waking up was the end of the journey, but it was only the beginning - and I was already exhausted! It's like climbing Mt. Everest, by the time you get to the hardest part, you are completely exhausted from the journey to get there. But there is no turning back, even if it kills you. You have gone this far, so you might as well stop complaining and get on with it. And so I did.
In grace & gratitude,
Part 3 of Spiritual Journey - Click Here
Part 1 of Spiritual Journey - Click Here
View All Parts of Spiritual Journey - Click Here