Awakening does not mean that all fear is gone. It's like being in a night time dream, you know you are dreaming, but that big hairy monster is still scary. What does it take to dissolve the monster? It takes confronting the monster. When my oldest son was a child, he had a repetitive dream of a giant marshmallow monster coming after him. He would wake up shaking and frightened and would remain that way even after conscious and awake. I would calmly tell him, the next time the marshmallow monster came for him, he had to remember that he was dreaming while still in the dream, and he had to "go after" the monster. The first time he awoke in the dream, he was still frightened of this monster, but after a few nights his fear dissolved into courage and the marshmallow monster dissolved into mush. It was done. The dream never returned; why would it? The monster had lost all its power. It lost all it's power only by my son taking all his power back, or rather the power that created the monster in my son's mind, in the first place.
Fear is like that, sometimes it continues even after you know you are dreaming. This is how real the illusion is. I know I am dreaming but it feels so real so this thing that I don't want must be real.
For a long time, I dealt with the remaining fears that I had with positive thinking. I immersed myself in all sorts of books and youtubes; like Abraham Hicks, Florence Schovel Shinn, Charles Hannel and the list goes on. I would start every day immersed in positive thinking. This was actually very good because even though I knew I was dreaming, I still had old tapes playing out in my mind. It was important to consciously re-program my mind. Despite all the positive reinforcement and positive thinking, some things in my life persisted; some unwanted things I should say. The day came when I couldn't deny the lingering fear in the back of my mind. In the past, this fear was overwhelming and I could not deal with it. It felt as if it would consume me and make me unable to function. This time however, I was bigger than the fear. Something had happened in this time period. Maybe it was the total positive immersion, maybe it was just time. Probably both, and some unknown elements as well.
The week prior, I had combated this particular challenge with focusing on what I did want, and it worked for that week, but if it really worked, it would have been a permanent cure. It was also a great deal of effort to keep my energy aligned with what I did want and not to pay attention to what I didn't want. I could keep doing that - I'm strong, however something else kicked in. It is this sense that, it is finally time to confront my own version of the marshmallow monster. The problem is, there is nothing to confront. It is a story in my mind and the fear that evolves out of that story. So I feel the fear, because it is the fear that is really the monster. I feel the fear - and do nothing, because there is nothing to do. It doesn't consume me, as it did in the past. It's just there. It's uncomfortable. I'd rather do something to get rid of it, or at least push it down and away - reaching for Florence, Charles or Abraham. But not this time. This time is finally different. This time I just feel it without doing anything with it. It's here. O.K. I'm still breathing. I'm O.K. I know what I am being asked to do. This question has saved me again and again, "What am I being asked to do?" It's let go. It's surrender this "problem" to something greater than I call me. Surrender this fear. If I surrender it, I no longer can do anything about it. It's no longer in my hands. I talk with myself, "All the things that work in my life, I have surrendered" Maybe that is why this thing isn't working - because I am still trying to control it. Deep Breath.
Florence would say, "I cast this burden on the Christ within, and I go free." This means really give it up, once and for all. I suppose that is the courage that dissolves the fear. There is of course this element, that I give it up and things still don't work out the way I prefer. But that's the point. It's not giving it up so I get what I want. It's giving it up because it is not mine to hold. Maybe things will turn out the way I want - maybe not. What I am giving up is the belief that I can control anything through my mere earthly powers. Yes, we can influence the hologram, but not through control; at least not at any core level. In the past, I have given things up for a day at a time and that is easy to do. But that is not what is being asked of me now. I am being asked to give it up completely and permanently. Infinite Supply knows my mind and knows what I desire. It is up to infinite supply even when I try to control things. STILLNESS.
Here is the problem, when and if things don't flow the way I desire, it is the human me who has to clean up the mess; confront the problems that the problem creates, negotiate solutions, feel the loss of not enough, etc...
This is what I am trying to prevent. Maybe I just need to allow all those things to unfold if they want to unfold. If they do unfold, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are huge gifts contained in each undesirable situation and experience. That's just rationalization - something that I gave up years ago - so it won't help me now. Damn... Can I allow without the rationalization and just show up in grace? Is this how I confront my marshmallow monster? In every other area of my life, I have surrendered control to that something greater. I do what it inspires me to do. I say what it inspires me to say. I have no plans from day to day - and I go where is directs me to go. I do this in every area of my life - except this one. Odd coincidence? I think not! I am being asked to surrender in all ways. There is nothing left to do but surrender in this last way. To give my life completely to that which is. Tears.....
In grace & gratitude,